Total Recall

With the remake of this movie coming out in under a week, I felt like it was appropriate for me to suggest the 1990 original. For those of you unacquainted with this modern classic, allow me to explain. In the future, a character whose name I think is Arnold Schwarzenegger is tired of his boring life as a future construction worker, which apparently is one of the few jobs that is boring no matter how futuristic it gets.  Looking for a little change in his life, Arnold goes to a company called Recall, which promises to put the memories of a vacation he’s never had in his brain. When he wakes up, he’s become a secret agent with karate skills and the ability to kill anything he looks at. To make matters worse, the Martian King wants The Terminator dead. Let the wanton destruction begin.

The reason this movie is so god damn amazing is because it has literally everything. Arnold Schwarzenegger punching people? Check. Sharon Stone? Check. Aliens? Check. It even has a mutant growing out of a mans stomach.

Tell me that you don’t want to see this.

 Also, in late 80’s/early 90’s action movie fashion, there’s a sassy black side kick who’s hilariously unfunny. Seriously, every time Mel Johnson Jr. opens his mouth in this movie, you want to punch him in the face. But none of the rest of the movie matters because there is this lady.

Why is she in the movie? I’m honestly not sure. She adds nothing to the plot, and shows up twice for a total of three seconds. I can imagine the director trying to explain including her in the movie. “Why did we add her? Um… well… why not?” And in the end, that’s the reason for most of this movie. Why not have a baby growing out of a man’s stomach? Why not have a device that turns Arnie into a middle aged woman? Why not have some dudes head explode from lack of oxygen?

“I LOVE BATH SALTS!”

The new remake seems to be missing that point. Just from the previews I’ve seen, it seems like the remake has something like a “plot”, and “good actors”. But its totally missing the camp and hilarity the original had in force. Instead of a bald Michael Ironside playing the villain, we have freaking Walter White from Breaking Bad. The point of the original was that the actors were so bad it was funny, and instead of having a deep meaning, the original movie was equal parts hilarious and fun. Now the remake is trying to make a gritty, dark plot filled with deep characters. Considering how bizarre the plot is, this isn’t a good sign. Instead stick with the original. Just ask Turbaned Schwarzi.

“No guys, really. I’m a good actor. Have you even seen Kindergarten Cop?”

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One response to “Total Recall

  1. The girl with three boobs is like demeaning to girls everywhere!!! How dare you put it in your blog!!! I’m so offended!! I still hook up with boys at parties tho and its ok because I am intoxicated.

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